Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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