two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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