If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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