Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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