my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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