I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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