i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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