we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They took my balls.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
