I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
