Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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