before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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