Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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