I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
