I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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