On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I still have a little drunk in my system
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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