I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
