I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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