There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
