I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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