Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
