Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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