Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
