also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
