I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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