Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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