What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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