i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize