Is it because I queefed?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
