how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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