i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
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