i just wanna soil my oats bro
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
