I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That accounts for only three of the penises
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
