My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
