What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
