So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
