I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
