You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
