I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
