You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize