New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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