Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
