I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
