i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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