does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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