Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize