I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
