MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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