Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
