Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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