I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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