i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
