i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
