i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
