She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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