she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
