I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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