Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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