were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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