She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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