My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
