obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
