We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
