we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
