heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
