I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
this just has baby written all over it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
