OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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