woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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