I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
