It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize