I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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