I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize