I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I had to cum in my sink.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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