I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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